The natural order of life's cycle calls for the presumptuous conception that everyone must find a life partner, get married, then have children. This cycle is very much the Asian mentality and the way of our lives for many centuries ahead of us. If you find a boyfriend or girlfriend, you are bound to get married soon. Unfortunately, as the cost of "getting hitched" is hiking like nobody's business, it is harder and harder to "coerce" your children into getting married.
I personally don't see how marriage is one of life's greatest milestones and achievements that one has to accomplish, but that's a story for another day. Let's talk about the uber insensitive question - "When are you getting married?"
Disclaimer: Unless you are a family member who is indirectly affected -- whether emotionally, peer pressure, physically, spiritually (i'm serious!) or genuinely worried, due to another family member's endless procrastination and/or delays on the marriage topic, it is safe to say that YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO SAY in the couple's decision to move to the next level. So, the next time you ask questions like this - Don't be pushy!
It is with much shame I admit that I was once that pushy friend who used to bug my friend to get hitched because I self-righteously thought that "I am right", and also because they have been staying together for a while then and it is the right thing to do for him to propose already. I didn't realise that I was adding unnecessary pressure to the couple, both financially and mentally. I had no way to knowing if both are ready for the lifetime commitment or financially capable - either way, they wouldn't have told me the real reason behind the delay. You see, being able to live together now does not necessarily mean that both are ready to commit to living with each other for the rest of their lives. It takes time to truly understand if you could truly love only one man/woman and would love him/her more than yourself.
If this question is directed to a bachelor/ette who is not seeing anyone at that time, this question can be easily brushed off by saying, "I'm not seeing anyone now I don't know when...." or just casually skip the awkward question with a joke or two.
But if this question is directed to an attached individual who has been dating for years, which in Asian terms, is -- "Time to get married", then this question has the potential to be hurtful, insensitive and if pursued, offensive.
The man/woman will not be able to tell you in the face if he/she is ready to get hitched because there are 1001 inexplicable reasons that are plain inappropriate to tell another, unless you are a very close friend. Judging from the tone of that question, the querier is not a close friend.
One of the most common problems are men who want to get hitched (at times due to pressure from family and friends) but unfortunately cannot afford to buy a decent engagement ring to seal the deal, at the same time trying to secure a property with his limited funds. In these modern and expensive times, there is no certain answer to whether which is more important and which to secure first - Property or Wife? If you have only MYR20,000 of cash savings, do you want to invest in a piece of jewellery which could potentially buy the first half of your lifetime's happiness, or do you want to invest into an asset which could potentially be another source of income in the future? If you are halfway near the 10% downpayment of a property after years of saving, say RM10,000 - Would you buy a ring or rather save it?
Think carefully, because there is no correct answer.
This other reason which I have observed over the years occurs more often with fairly successful and independent minded ladies who are in no hurry to get married. They could have dated the same man for years, lived together and shared the same bed, but they have no plans to settle down. Some of them don't view marriage as a form of security (the reverse, actually), don't think the man could be the right lifetime partner, or just plainly can't find the reason to get married unless she wants children. Love, after all, in John Green's novel, is "a shout into the void...", nothing solid to keep a woman safe and happy.
In some other cases, if the couple has dated over seven years, the chance of either one of them meeting someone new and getting excited over another (for the wrong reasons) could be keeping them from moving to the next level. Not necessarily an "affair" or have started a relationship with him/her, it could be just the simple discovery of that excitement all over again which kick starts the world of possibilities and imagination.
Either way, there is no way you would know the true reason, and there is no way to tell you.
Of course, having said that - there are also instances the other half is understanding and decide with the man to secure a property first, along with the fact that the marriage topic will be inevitably delayed until both has regained some financial capabilities. Till then, if someone poses that question again, how would both of them answer? The lady doesn't decide when the man will present the ring, whereas the man does not know when can he be able to afford one - What then do you expect them to answer?
Unfortunately I am now a victim of such question and I mainly approach this question two ways: One, just smile and act like I don't care; Or, just say something mind-boggling like, "Why do I need to get married? Why should I rush into bearing his surname so soon? I'm enjoying life now."
If you are genuinely concerned and really care for this friend, you can ask,
"Are you the marrying kind?" or "Is he/she the one?"
For the couple,
"Are you guys thinking of having children?" This question is a little far fetched, but from here you should know if the couple does talk about the future. You need not know more than that!
The next time you turn into a pushy uncle/auntie, think carefully before you keep "nagging" him/her into securing a wedding date. A concerned friend will approach this matter very differently.
I personally don't see how marriage is one of life's greatest milestones and achievements that one has to accomplish, but that's a story for another day. Let's talk about the uber insensitive question - "When are you getting married?"
Disclaimer: Unless you are a family member who is indirectly affected -- whether emotionally, peer pressure, physically, spiritually (i'm serious!) or genuinely worried, due to another family member's endless procrastination and/or delays on the marriage topic, it is safe to say that YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO SAY in the couple's decision to move to the next level. So, the next time you ask questions like this - Don't be pushy!
It is with much shame I admit that I was once that pushy friend who used to bug my friend to get hitched because I self-righteously thought that "I am right", and also because they have been staying together for a while then and it is the right thing to do for him to propose already. I didn't realise that I was adding unnecessary pressure to the couple, both financially and mentally. I had no way to knowing if both are ready for the lifetime commitment or financially capable - either way, they wouldn't have told me the real reason behind the delay. You see, being able to live together now does not necessarily mean that both are ready to commit to living with each other for the rest of their lives. It takes time to truly understand if you could truly love only one man/woman and would love him/her more than yourself.
If this question is directed to a bachelor/ette who is not seeing anyone at that time, this question can be easily brushed off by saying, "I'm not seeing anyone now I don't know when...." or just casually skip the awkward question with a joke or two.
But if this question is directed to an attached individual who has been dating for years, which in Asian terms, is -- "Time to get married", then this question has the potential to be hurtful, insensitive and if pursued, offensive.
The man/woman will not be able to tell you in the face if he/she is ready to get hitched because there are 1001 inexplicable reasons that are plain inappropriate to tell another, unless you are a very close friend. Judging from the tone of that question, the querier is not a close friend.
One of the most common problems are men who want to get hitched (at times due to pressure from family and friends) but unfortunately cannot afford to buy a decent engagement ring to seal the deal, at the same time trying to secure a property with his limited funds. In these modern and expensive times, there is no certain answer to whether which is more important and which to secure first - Property or Wife? If you have only MYR20,000 of cash savings, do you want to invest in a piece of jewellery which could potentially buy the first half of your lifetime's happiness, or do you want to invest into an asset which could potentially be another source of income in the future? If you are halfway near the 10% downpayment of a property after years of saving, say RM10,000 - Would you buy a ring or rather save it?
Think carefully, because there is no correct answer.
This other reason which I have observed over the years occurs more often with fairly successful and independent minded ladies who are in no hurry to get married. They could have dated the same man for years, lived together and shared the same bed, but they have no plans to settle down. Some of them don't view marriage as a form of security (the reverse, actually), don't think the man could be the right lifetime partner, or just plainly can't find the reason to get married unless she wants children. Love, after all, in John Green's novel, is "a shout into the void...", nothing solid to keep a woman safe and happy.
In some other cases, if the couple has dated over seven years, the chance of either one of them meeting someone new and getting excited over another (for the wrong reasons) could be keeping them from moving to the next level. Not necessarily an "affair" or have started a relationship with him/her, it could be just the simple discovery of that excitement all over again which kick starts the world of possibilities and imagination.
Either way, there is no way you would know the true reason, and there is no way to tell you.
Of course, having said that - there are also instances the other half is understanding and decide with the man to secure a property first, along with the fact that the marriage topic will be inevitably delayed until both has regained some financial capabilities. Till then, if someone poses that question again, how would both of them answer? The lady doesn't decide when the man will present the ring, whereas the man does not know when can he be able to afford one - What then do you expect them to answer?
Unfortunately I am now a victim of such question and I mainly approach this question two ways: One, just smile and act like I don't care; Or, just say something mind-boggling like, "Why do I need to get married? Why should I rush into bearing his surname so soon? I'm enjoying life now."
If you are genuinely concerned and really care for this friend, you can ask,
"Are you the marrying kind?" or "Is he/she the one?"
For the couple,
"Are you guys thinking of having children?" This question is a little far fetched, but from here you should know if the couple does talk about the future. You need not know more than that!
The next time you turn into a pushy uncle/auntie, think carefully before you keep "nagging" him/her into securing a wedding date. A concerned friend will approach this matter very differently.
0 comments:
Post a Comment