Being compatible

Ever since I learnt how to 'judge' people, I always rate and grade people.
If given a full mark of 10, a 5 grade person won't go for a person lower grade than him/her. Well, only if its of no choice. => despo case.

Anyway, it's hard for me understanding why I always try to aim higher, and get the chance to rate myself better. The 8 mark me who I always thought I had have now gone to almost 0. I'm fat. I'm fat.

I never really bothered about how people think of me all these years, despite being fat and fatter. I thought I will never ever bother about how bad people think about me. I guess I was wrong. No matter how thick-skinned I am, I can never escape from the terrible comments made by my closed ones -- people who are true to you. I am even afraid to let them know that I'm concerned about these comments, especially when they say it every single day of my life. It's hard, tough to take these comments as ONLY statements and nothing else.

I try all means to be on par with the grade I have for myself, but the fact is, I can never achieve the grade I thought I can reach. I'm fat. And just because I'm fat, I don't think I can win anybody's heart. Maybe in the future, I'll just be brushed off and my words will be taken as trash. Probably all my favorites will soon be the worst thing on earth. I will soon be pictured as someone with lousy taste.

I know friends who read this will be telling me that physical appearance is nothing, well, I used to think like that too. Hey, think twice.

Everytime I think of being detested just bcoz I'm fat, my heart aches like I'm gonna in few seconds time. It really hurts, the feeling of having the heart sank so deeply, like its not going to pump anymore. It hurts, a lot.

I once thought that nothing else matters as much as the heart. I thought that as long as he loves the way I am, nothing else is a big problem. I'm so terribly wrong. My appearance matters as much as my heart. So, to have the grade of having my heart and appearance on par with each other, I cannot be fat. So, if I'm fat, my rating will be below 2. No matter how kind a soul I am, the appearance matters most.

I'm fat and ugly. Your boyfriend will love you more if you are prettier, more gorgeous or probably cuter. If there's one day you turn from a pretty little girl to a fat and ugly lady, you think he'll love you the same way he did?

Then, I rather not be loved. Not to have anybody who is so close to me and once said he loved my everything but in the future not anymore.
What if I turn prettier? Will this make him love me more? If he does, what will this mean? Does this mean that my appearance stands more than my soul?

Ah, ironic isn't it?
Guess I'll just have to accept the fact and fate of being fat.